Some Will Understand My Rambling…

Blogging, Praying, and Learning to Let Go

My bipolar has been all over the place lately, and I can feel depression trying to creep back in. And if you know me, you know I am a fighter. But sometimes the hardest battles are the ones nobody can see.

I’m trying to find healthier ways to release what I feel instead of holding everything inside. So maybe I’ll blog and pray, or pray and blog. Whichever comes first, because right now I need both.

See, when I feel myself slipping emotionally, I tend to go inward. I fight internally so that what I’m battling doesn’t manifest outwardly. Especially when I’m trying to conduct business, build something meaningful, maintain relationships, and simply function as the person everybody expects me to be.

But who checks on the person behind all those responsibilities?

As I’m renewing my license, we’re discussing contracts and the acronym CLOC, the four parts of a contract. And something hit me.

Maybe it’s time I make a contract with myself.

A contract to protect my peace.

A contract to stop fighting battles that I cannot win because they were never mine to control.

A contract to stop emotionally investing in things that continue to leave me empty.

A contract to accept that everything I desire isn’t necessarily designed for my life.

And that last one? Whew. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

Because sometimes you can see something, smell it, almost taste it, and feel like it’s right there within your reach. But you still can’t touch it. You can’t have it. And sometimes that hurts worse than never knowing it existed.

What’s really bothering me isn’t new. It’s something that has bothered me for a long time. Something I’ve revisited, questioned, prayed about, and tried to make peace with more times than I care to admit.

And today, I’m deciding to let it go.

Not because it doesn’t matter.

Not because it doesn’t hurt.

Not because I suddenly stopped wanting it.

But because I cannot keep allowing something I cannot change to change me.

I am human. I have desires. I have feelings. I have moments when I question the person looking back at me in the mirror.

Am I enough? Am I asking for too much? Why do certain things seem so close but remain so far away? Why can I accomplish so much in one area of my life and still feel so unfulfilled in another?

And sometimes I don’t have the answers.

I can be successful and sad.

I can be strong and exhausted.

I can have faith and still have questions.

I can encourage everybody else and still need encouragement myself.

And I can love God, pray, and still struggle with my mental health.

One thing I’m learning is that letting go doesn’t mean I failed. It means I’m choosing not to keep reopening a wound just because I wish the outcome were different.

So today, I’m writing my own contract.

I promise myself that I will no longer abandon my peace trying to hold on to something that isn’t holding on to me.

I promise to give myself the same grace I so freely extend to others.

I promise to recognize when my mind needs rest, when my heart needs healing, and when my spirit needs prayer.

And most importantly, I promise not to confuse what I want with what I need.

I don’t know what tomorrow will feel like. That’s part of living with bipolar disorder and depression. Some days I manage beautifully, and other days I have to work harder just to keep myself centered.

But today, instead of allowing my emotions to speak for me, I’m choosing to write them out.

Maybe I’ll pray and then blog.

Maybe I’ll blog and then pray.

Maybe I’ll cry somewhere in between.

But I refuse to keep pretending that being strong means never feeling weak.

Some will understand my rambling. Others won’t. And for once, I’m okay with that.

Because this isn’t about being understood by everybody.

This is about finally listening to myself.

And maybe, just maybe, letting go is the beginning of getting a little more of me back.

Signed,

A woman still learning, still healing, still praying, and still showing up for herself. ❤️

#MentalHealthAwareness #BipolarAwareness #DepressionAwareness #HealingOutLoud #FaithAndHealing #LearningToLetGo #MyTruth #BloggingThroughIt